Trader Joe's Brussels Sprouts Stalk - Roasted on the Stalk

Today's review highlights one of my seasonal favorites - brussels sprouts on the stalk. Move aside pumpkins. These are stunning - so massive that you wonder which bag to use to tote it home. It's perfect for Friendsgiving, Thanksgiving, and all the other food-centric gatherings coming your way. 

In case a ginormous stalk of brussels sprouts is too intimidating, mind you TJ's has a reasonably priced ready-to-use 2lb bag of brussels. But if you're asking about value? The brussels stalk has easily 50 sprouts. Hello the only thing better than spending money is saving it. Who doesn't love a good deal? I usually cut the sprouts off and discard the stalk, but this time I decided to try something different.

Originally, I was going to continue in my "how-to-roast" series and roast the sprouts in my usual manner or what I call "$8 Tenderhill sprouts," a popular seasonal appetizer at a local restaurant priced at you guessed it $8. But did you know that the stalk comes with a recipe on the back of the label? Thus follows my attempt. Oh the thing I try for the internet. 

A note on how to stalk the right stalk - it seems obvious but pick ones with nice big juicy looking sprouts, not tiny little shriveled ones that look like they've been aging in a storeroom. A few of these stray stalks sticking out are okay because those can be discarded but nothing with mold or anything funky looking. 

Can you trust a recipe where the main ingredient is misspelled? NO. IMMEDIATE DISTRUST. There is such a huge discrepancy between the idea of roasting brussels sprouts on the stalk compared to reality. Expectation? So cool and hipster and like...farm to table, like you hacked down a stalk from someone's yard and torched it and set it on the table like our hunter gatherer forefathers. The reality? SO NOT PRACTICAL. 

How does one wash, not rinse, the stalk properly with the sprouts still attached? The stalk I picked was too big for my sink and pretty cumbersome to maneuver. I ended up manually scrubbing each sprout and the stalk with the fruit and veggie wash. Probably spent more time on that stalk than I spend on washing my face. Also, the recipe doesn't specify this but after you wash your sprouts, you need to make sure that they're dried thoroughly so that they roast in the oven. Again, more cumbersome when working with the entire stalk. 

I should have skipped this. Why. Do they want us to microwave the stalk first. In cling wrap?? (I can hear my mother saying something about microwaving plastic causes cancer or something) Does it parcook the stalk? But it's not like you're cutting the stalk - parcooking other squashes, i.e. spaghetti squash, makes it easier to cut. But this? This is crazy. I skipped the cling wrap. By some miracle, the stalk fit in my microwave barely. 

The stalk was too big for the largest baking sheet that I own. There were sprouts that would not fit on the pan, so I cut some off and prepared them in my usual method. I brushed the olive oil maple syrup mixture all over and seasoned with salt and pepper. The recipe says to roast the sprouts at 350F, which is very dumb. By definition, roasting requires higher oven temps, at least 400-425F. In a halfhearted attempt to stick to the recipe, I cooked them at 375F for 30 minutes and rotated the stalk halfway through cooking, which the recipe also declines to specify (but methinks is necessary to give all the sprouts a fair chance to roast). 

Well doesn't this look appetizing. I certainly would not present this on a Friendsgiving table in its unaltered form. Plus the maple syrup that dripped off the stalk burned on the baking sheet - foil-lined pan is a must! Which the recipe also neglects to mention! 

1) If I haven't given you enough reasons why roasting brussels sprouts on a stalk is a complete scam - here's another one. I get that even if you make it through the recipe without any major issues, and it comes out mildly edible, you still have to saw the sprouts off the stalk in order to eat them! Unlike the popping-corn-on-a-cob (gimmicky but functional), roasting the sprouts on the stalk does not add anything praiseworthy. Call me lazy but if you're going to have to cut them off in the end, why not cut them off in the first place??

2) The only thing mildly positive about this recipe is the combination of maple syrup, olive oil, and salt and pep is aiite. If you like that caramelized flavor, I'd find a better recipe on the internet. 

3) Let me repeat - this recipe is a scam, namely because it does not do really anything that you have to do in order to make good roasted veggies. The temperature is too low for roasting, plus the fact that half the stalks are not in contact with the hot pan means that the brussels sprouts will STEAM instead of roast. And even though I decreased the cook time, they still burned. And because the sprouts are roasted whole, you won't get any caramelization (the caramelized ones are the ones I cut off the stalk and chopped in half and roasted cut side down). 

4) Because the sprouts basically steam-baked instead of roasted, they didn't crisp or caramelize. Instead, they had that soft cabbage texture that most people hate about brussels sprouts. Which is tolerable for a few pieces maybe. But a plate of 50 sprouts, that are kinda soft and overly cabbage-y? Not. Worth. The gas. Just sayin. These are not the cool, popular brussels sprouts that everyone is into these days - they are the sad vegetables kids have fed to the dog for ages. 

The stalk itself is a great value but you are responsible for preparing it correctly, so I'll repurchase again one day. Just not anytime soon. BRB in need of a detox from bad sprouts. 

TL;DR: Trader Joe's Brussels Sprouts Stalk. Buy the sprouts, toss the recipe. Don't even think about roasting them on the stalk. 8 out of 10 for the stalk, 2 out of 10 for the recipe.